Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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