captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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