I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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