Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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