I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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