I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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