not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
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Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
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I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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