I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
