smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
