I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
