Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
