I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
