ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
