i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
