There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
