FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
