Well douche your snatch and let's go!
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
