I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
