Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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