do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
