everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
