My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
