I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
