either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
