Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
