i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
