just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
