I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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