oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
last night I used snow as a chaser
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
