Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize