He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
