i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
