I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
