i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize