remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
