I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
