We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
