Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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