I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize
