my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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