I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
