I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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