We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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