I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
i love accidental penises.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
