just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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