Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
