I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
