let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
You left your underwear on the fireplace
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
