guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
