I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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