she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
