youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
