But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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