Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
pop tarts are not kleenex
it's great music for shaving your balls
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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