dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
