I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
