Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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