They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
