Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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