What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
